“Four months ago, I turned up at a rider’s briefing in a Cairo hotel.
I looked at the staff line-up and thought… You have got to be fricken kidding! Has someone kidnapped the original crew and a bunch of pirates taken over?
The head pirate, Jack Tellis Sparrow, when I looked at him, I thought the only thing that was missing was the flippin’ parrot.
If he stands up and has a wooden leg, I’m out of here.
I then looked down the table, and if I needed further confirmation that they were cut-throat pirates, there was Errol!
…..and I swear he’s got a cutlass under the table.
Errol apparently got the job of chief cook because he was a truck driver/mechanic on the previous tour.
And had I known that his signature dish was boiled rice, I would have left there and then.
You would have noticed that when Errol served meals, we had the condimments of chilli sauce, mayo, tom sauce etc. But after the Tanzanian incident, we had Dettol with everything.
I’m now looking further down the table. And there’s Stephen….the Smiling Assassin. He has to be hiding something because he’s smiling all the time. Obviously, he’s a pirate that they’ve picked up from Somalia.
The head pirate now introduces Tom the Cabin Boy, apparently the so-called “medical doctor”. Obviously TDA don’t employ women so he/she is disguised as a bloke. To perpetuate the myth he/she has been wearing a Tom Boy T-shirt for the last four months.
The next two to be introduced are the twins. They were separated at birth, it’s just that no-one’s told them yet. Max grew up a learned and cultured French Canadian. And Brad…an uncouthe Australian.
Max’s job, according to the head pirate is to time the cyclists. Frankly, I think this is a waste of time because TDA has already told us it will take 120 days.
As for Brad, even after four months, I still have no idea what he does. I hear he’s applied for the bike mechanic’s job on the next tour…..just so he can get free beers.
We now get to Leo…Looking at the guy, he obviously doesn’t want to be here. I found out that Errol the Red and The Smiling Assassin kidnapped him from a bike workshop in Minnesota and said they would kill his cat if he didn’t come on the tour. Leo….I’m sorry to tell you this, but the bastards have killed your cat.
The last to be introduced is Wynand. He looks like he’s been a castaway for the past six months. But I was wrong….it was just that he hadn’t shaved for two days.
I turned to Wendy and said…..what did they say his name was?
and she said, Wynand (pronounced vein in hand) That’s not a name, I said…that’s a description.
His job description…drive the lunch truck, count the chipattis and guard the fruit salad.
Now if any of you are thinking of doing another TDA tour. The original guides have been subsequently released so there is little to no chance that you will ever see this lot again.”
Thanks to Paul for making us all laugh like crazy, and to our crew for being the opposite of what the above might suggest 😉